So, how's it going?

well, these past 2-3 weeks, not so good.

If I'm comparing them to how I was before, then anyone can see a grand improvement. But tell that to my stomach when it's screaming in pain or my eyes that won't stop cyring, or my nose that bleeds at the slightest thing. My very being is raw from the constant scrubbing of my emotions against my nerves and my nerves against my non-existant confidence.

Let me clarify: I am not binging and purging everyday.

My slip started slowly as they do with almost everyone. It snuck up on me. I got cocky, thinking I could handle being a little less focused because, after all, I had broken the addiction, right? But then, things started to get scary because now, I have to face up to the reasons have used the eating disorder as a coping mechanism. What was I hiding from? What was I trying to block out? All of the "stuff" started to make its presence known. It started slowly, but then it took on the shape of one of those awful language growth charts they show us in school.

I made the mistake of thinking that the withdrawl would be worse than feeling the actual feelings. Or maybe I was just confused thinking that the withdrawl was what those feelings felt like. What ever it was that I was thinking, well, it was wrong. Feeling can be very wonderful, but feeling can also be the thing that makes you do anything just NOT to feel it.

My best friend from high school was here for 6 days. It was so wonderful to see her and be with her. God, how I miss her! I had looked forward to her visit since summer vacation. About a week before her visit I started to get very sad. It felt like with every preparation I made, I was closer to her leaving again. (and I'm crying-again) It sucked! I couldn't even just look forward and enjoy that she would be here! I think its something that everyone struggles with, but for me it's multiplied.

I did, however, enjoy her visit very much. It was so great to be with someone who knows you well enough to finish your thoughts or can ask those really intimate questions that only a best friend would dare to ask. And the safeness you feel when you are with those people who are special to you is precious and priceless.

During her visit I slipped and had a major binge and purge. All day. (they were gone on a day trip) I haven't done that since April. I am so glad that I can say that, but I can't even express how much it terrified me. What do you think I was trying to block out?

When she left I cried. Not at little. A lot. Emma said, "Mommy, maybe you should get a Starbucks to make you feel better." (the only Starbucks in DK is at the airport) So, I thought, sure, why not. But I stood in line, felt sick, and couldn't stop crying. It was mortifying. And a little disturbing. I didn't want Starbucks? Call the paramedics.

I cried a little on the way home. A lot at home. Sobbing even. Really pathetic. I couldn't figure out why I was crying. I mean, I love my girl, she's the best thing since running shoes, but seriously, sobbing? Then it hit me. And out loud: "I'm lonely. I'm really, really, really just lonely." I knew that it would be a very long time before any one else who come and be with me in my world. And that is so hard to swallow. That is painful. It's nobody's fault, it's just a fact of my new life. And it sucks. And it sucks some more. And will suck again tomorrow, and next week, and next year. It's something I have learn to live with.

And this is where it gets really hard. How? And that goes for all of those nasty feelings that I have. A lot of them don't just go away. How do I move forward, move on, carrying the past into my new future?

That's where I'm at. That's what I'm taking to my sessions with me. And that's why I'm crying all the time. That and being terrified of myself and going back to the way I was.

I see the psychologist once a week, the dietician every two weeks, and the psychiatrist every 6 weeks. It's a process that I'm absolutely positive will work and that is a great feeling. But, getting there will be a much longer process than I had hoped for. But, did I really not know how long this was going to take?

Next post: My fear of failure and it's debilitating influence on my life.