The pigeon has a death wish. It sits outside my window and taunts me at ungodly hours with its "coo, coo, coo-coo. Co-coo, coo, co-coo." I have never wanted to hurt an animal before, but I would seriously like to pluck a few tail feathers from my morning foe. It's bad enough that the sun comes up at 3:30am. So here I am, up at 6am again on a weekend. I've been trying to sleep since about 5 and just gave up before I became so enraged at the pigeon that I actually threw something at it.
These past few days have been really good. I have had many temptations and tough moments, but I keep learning more as I go along. My stomach pain was getting better until last night and we are still trying to figure out what triggered it to be so bad.
In the past 5 weeks, I have learned:
* Breakfast is okay to eat. I will not get fat from eating breakfast. I love the breakfast that I am eating. It feels good in my belly and I have energy for my run if I choose to run after breakfast.
* Lunch can be very difficult if I don't make my food the night before. Some days I forget to pack my lunch and I have made it through, but not without unneccessary anxiety. Last week, I tried to buy "school lunch," but when I got to the canteen they did not have the salad that I was prepared to buy. The anxiety built up really quickly and I ended up having another panic attack. I got home, took a nap, woke up and then made myself a lunch at home.
* Weighing my food pisses me off. Not every time, but sometimes. And that's okay. It's okay to be angry, but not quit. The food scale gives me freedom from my disease in a way I have never known. The number doesn't lie. It tells me how much I should eat and tells me that it's too much or not enough.
* If I am more hungry, sometimes that is okay. Sometimes it's okay to still feel a little hungry after a meal. It's also okay to have to switch my meal plan around a little if it doesn't fit my day as long as I get in the right amounts. Yesterday, I went running first thing in the morning. After showering and getting dressed, I was beyond the "controllable hunger point." My husband had left for work already and I was faced with a very dangerous situation. I grabbed a banana and became very scared because of the way I was eating it. But, I noticed! I slowed down and then drank a big glass of water. And even though I had that banana, I still allowed myself to eat my complete normal breakfast. Before, I would have maybe skipped breakfast all together because I had already "screwed up my plan." But, I was able to realize that I had just been running and an extra banana probably was good for me! Later on in the day, I realized again that I had made the right choice because I was not hungry for my snack. So, my body, for the first time, told me what to do and did it right. I still stayed on plan! It was a big thing for my belly.
* I have missed so much. I have allowed this disease to take so much precious time from me, my husband, and my children. It feels awful to realize that.
* I am so much more appreciative now of my awareness and my ability to be present. The conversations that I had yesterday with my children while on our picnic were amazing and worth every shred of pain, anxiety, and fear that I have gone through during this recovery journey. I was able to just be and watch the ants crawl around on the ground with Emma as we pondered where they were going. We talked about the aqua colored bug and how it would be a great color for a dress. :) In the fog of my bulimia, I could not do that. They would talk, but I wouldn't really hear them all of the time. I was short and snappy. Our outings were tainted by my need to control my anxiety and my need for food. I am so sad about that. But, I have more fire and zest in me now to really BE there. So, I am making every second count.
* So, I am a little fluffy right now. So what? No, I'm not okay with it. So, what? Does it mean I can't enjoy myself now? No. Absolutely not.
* I still have a WHOLE LOT of work to do on being nice to me and my reflection.
Well, that's all for now and wouldn't you know the pigeon has flown off. The kiddos are getting up and it's cartoon time. Yes, I will be sitting WITH them watching cartoons instead of being caught in my disease. Maybe later we'll get out the water guns and find that pigeon...
Loving my new life...
Friday, June 3, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Small Comforts
The corners of my couch are all wrong. It doesn't matter how much I back myself into them, they're just not right. I miss my old couch. It wasn't stylishly fabulous like our couch now, but it had great corners.
In stressful or uncomfortable moments, you find yourself looking for something that improves your situation. Sometimes that's talking over a cup of coffee with a friend, sometimes it's hugs or snuggles from your loved ones, or sometimes it's just eating chocolate or your favorite comfort foods. When learning about childbirth, I remember reading that you should start paying attention to exactly how you fall asleep. For instance, what position are you lying in, how does your breathing change, and what do you think of or not think of. (And as irony would have it, as soon as I started paying attention to this, I could no longer sleep.) The writer said it was important for when labor started because many women find comfort in this position and it helps them relax through even the worst contractions.
This got me thinking, what kinds of things do I do to make me feel better when I am feeling awful? Well as a person with a disease, I have chosen my disordered habits to numb out nervousness, pain, anxiety, fear, doubt, missing people, and all negative feelings. In recovery, it is difficult to find things that make you feel better because you have to change your habits and make new ones.
So what did I do before I started throwing up? For me a big one was sitting in the corners of my couch. There is something cozy about a corner. I've always liked corners. Either sitting in them or just looking up at the corners on the ceiling. I like how the lines converge into one place. Maybe it's because I can see the whole room from that spot. It gives me a perspective of the room as a whole. But now, when I try to cozy myself down into the couch, it doesn't feel the same. For starters, it's corners are shallow and I don't feel hugged just right. Our living room is really beautiful and I love looking around in it, but I get nervous. Why? Because it's different. The room, it is familiar to me now, yes, but when I look around and just allow myself to sit, just be, all of the feelings associated with moving come back to me. So, do I have to redefine these moments or should I just not do it anymore? Or do I try to associate positive feelings with all the anxiety and stress of moving overseas?
There are silly things we do that we don't even realize to find comfort. I've started to try to pay attention to these things to see when I do them and why. I fidget and hop my leg up and down when I am nervous. I do it because my insides feel like they are going to squirm out and bouncing around helps me to ignore that feeling. I also twirl my hair when I am nervous. I do that because that's what I used to do when I was little when I would go to sleep while I was sucking my thumb. (at least I don't do that anymore!). It's really interesting now when I consider this hair twirling phenomenon. If I really pay attention to it, I realize how pleasing it is and calming. I asked myself, what else did I do when I went to sleep as a child? I slept with my teddy bear. Guess what? L.A. Bear is back in business. Hey, don't judge, I gotta do what I gotta do to get through this. ;)
Bingeing and purging were also a way to feel better. I know that it has been to keep anxiety down and to make myself numb, even if it was just for a moment. Thank goodness that it stopped working, to some extent. The point in me noticing the small things right now is to become aware of what actually has a calming affect on me, but not an adverse reaction. There are things that I can do to feel better, but I have to be careful of what I choose.
I can choose to go for a run, but I have to make sure I do it within a healthy time frame. I can have a glass of wine or two, but also I have to recognize it's temporary and I can't do that every day. I can call and talk to a good friend, but I have to acknowledge that it has the potential to miss them more and make me sad.
As I look at this, it seems that the bigger the physical action, the higher the risk of an adverse reaction. But with something simple, like twirling my hair, I can relax in some ways with little or no adverse reaction.
In the next few days, I am hoping to find more small things that I do without noticing that have the potential to be used as calming devices. What do you do to calm yourself or make yourself "restful?"
In stressful or uncomfortable moments, you find yourself looking for something that improves your situation. Sometimes that's talking over a cup of coffee with a friend, sometimes it's hugs or snuggles from your loved ones, or sometimes it's just eating chocolate or your favorite comfort foods. When learning about childbirth, I remember reading that you should start paying attention to exactly how you fall asleep. For instance, what position are you lying in, how does your breathing change, and what do you think of or not think of. (And as irony would have it, as soon as I started paying attention to this, I could no longer sleep.) The writer said it was important for when labor started because many women find comfort in this position and it helps them relax through even the worst contractions.
This got me thinking, what kinds of things do I do to make me feel better when I am feeling awful? Well as a person with a disease, I have chosen my disordered habits to numb out nervousness, pain, anxiety, fear, doubt, missing people, and all negative feelings. In recovery, it is difficult to find things that make you feel better because you have to change your habits and make new ones.
So what did I do before I started throwing up? For me a big one was sitting in the corners of my couch. There is something cozy about a corner. I've always liked corners. Either sitting in them or just looking up at the corners on the ceiling. I like how the lines converge into one place. Maybe it's because I can see the whole room from that spot. It gives me a perspective of the room as a whole. But now, when I try to cozy myself down into the couch, it doesn't feel the same. For starters, it's corners are shallow and I don't feel hugged just right. Our living room is really beautiful and I love looking around in it, but I get nervous. Why? Because it's different. The room, it is familiar to me now, yes, but when I look around and just allow myself to sit, just be, all of the feelings associated with moving come back to me. So, do I have to redefine these moments or should I just not do it anymore? Or do I try to associate positive feelings with all the anxiety and stress of moving overseas?
There are silly things we do that we don't even realize to find comfort. I've started to try to pay attention to these things to see when I do them and why. I fidget and hop my leg up and down when I am nervous. I do it because my insides feel like they are going to squirm out and bouncing around helps me to ignore that feeling. I also twirl my hair when I am nervous. I do that because that's what I used to do when I was little when I would go to sleep while I was sucking my thumb. (at least I don't do that anymore!). It's really interesting now when I consider this hair twirling phenomenon. If I really pay attention to it, I realize how pleasing it is and calming. I asked myself, what else did I do when I went to sleep as a child? I slept with my teddy bear. Guess what? L.A. Bear is back in business. Hey, don't judge, I gotta do what I gotta do to get through this. ;)
Bingeing and purging were also a way to feel better. I know that it has been to keep anxiety down and to make myself numb, even if it was just for a moment. Thank goodness that it stopped working, to some extent. The point in me noticing the small things right now is to become aware of what actually has a calming affect on me, but not an adverse reaction. There are things that I can do to feel better, but I have to be careful of what I choose.
I can choose to go for a run, but I have to make sure I do it within a healthy time frame. I can have a glass of wine or two, but also I have to recognize it's temporary and I can't do that every day. I can call and talk to a good friend, but I have to acknowledge that it has the potential to miss them more and make me sad.
As I look at this, it seems that the bigger the physical action, the higher the risk of an adverse reaction. But with something simple, like twirling my hair, I can relax in some ways with little or no adverse reaction.
In the next few days, I am hoping to find more small things that I do without noticing that have the potential to be used as calming devices. What do you do to calm yourself or make yourself "restful?"
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