The pigeon has a death wish. It sits outside my window and taunts me at ungodly hours with its "coo, coo, coo-coo. Co-coo, coo, co-coo." I have never wanted to hurt an animal before, but I would seriously like to pluck a few tail feathers from my morning foe. It's bad enough that the sun comes up at 3:30am. So here I am, up at 6am again on a weekend. I've been trying to sleep since about 5 and just gave up before I became so enraged at the pigeon that I actually threw something at it.

These past few days have been really good. I have had many temptations and tough moments, but I keep learning more as I go along. My stomach pain was getting better until last night and we are still trying to figure out what triggered it to be so bad.

In the past 5 weeks, I have learned:
* Breakfast is okay to eat. I will not get fat from eating breakfast. I love the breakfast that I am eating. It feels good in my belly and I have energy for my run if I choose to run after breakfast.

* Lunch can be very difficult if I don't make my food the night before. Some days I forget to pack my lunch and I have made it through, but not without unneccessary anxiety. Last week, I tried to buy "school lunch," but when I got to the canteen they did not have the salad that I was prepared to buy. The anxiety built up really quickly and I ended up having another panic attack. I got home, took a nap, woke up and then made myself a lunch at home.

* Weighing my food pisses me off. Not every time, but sometimes. And that's okay. It's okay to be angry, but not quit. The food scale gives me freedom from my disease in a way I have never known. The number doesn't lie. It tells me how much I should eat and tells me that it's too much or not enough.

* If I am more hungry, sometimes that is okay. Sometimes it's okay to still feel a little hungry after a meal. It's also okay to have to switch my meal plan around a little if it doesn't fit my day as long as I get in the right amounts. Yesterday, I went running first thing in the morning. After showering and getting dressed, I was beyond the "controllable hunger point." My husband had left for work already and I was faced with a very dangerous situation. I grabbed a banana and became very scared because of the way I was eating it. But, I noticed! I slowed down and then drank a big glass of water. And even though I had that banana, I still allowed myself to eat my complete normal breakfast. Before, I would have maybe skipped breakfast all together because I had already "screwed up my plan." But, I was able to realize that I had just been running and an extra banana probably was good for me! Later on in the day, I realized again that I had made the right choice because I was not hungry for my snack. So, my body, for the first time, told me what to do and did it right. I still stayed on plan! It was a big thing for my belly.

* I have missed so much. I have allowed this disease to take so much precious time from me, my husband, and my children. It feels awful to realize that.

* I am so much more appreciative now of my awareness and my ability to be present. The conversations that I had yesterday with my children while on our picnic were amazing and worth every shred of pain, anxiety, and fear that I have gone through during this recovery journey. I was able to just be and watch the ants crawl around on the ground with Emma as we pondered where they were going. We talked about the aqua colored bug and how it would be a great color for a dress. :) In the fog of my bulimia, I could not do that. They would talk, but I wouldn't really hear them all of the time. I was short and snappy. Our outings were tainted by my need to control my anxiety and my need for food. I am so sad about that. But, I have more fire and zest in me now to really BE there. So, I am making every second count.

* So, I am a little fluffy right now. So what? No, I'm not okay with it. So, what? Does it mean I can't enjoy myself now? No. Absolutely not.

* I still have a WHOLE LOT of work to do on being nice to me and my reflection.

Well, that's all for now and wouldn't you know the pigeon has flown off. The kiddos are getting up and it's cartoon time. Yes, I will be sitting WITH them watching cartoons instead of being caught in my disease. Maybe later we'll get out the water guns and find that pigeon...
Loving my new life...