Small Comforts

The corners of my couch are all wrong. It doesn't matter how much I back myself into them, they're just not right. I miss my old couch. It wasn't stylishly fabulous like our couch now, but it had great corners.

In stressful or uncomfortable moments, you find yourself looking for something that improves your situation. Sometimes that's talking over a cup of coffee with a friend, sometimes it's hugs or snuggles from your loved ones, or sometimes it's just eating chocolate or your favorite comfort foods. When learning about childbirth, I remember reading that you should start paying attention to exactly how you fall asleep. For instance, what position are you lying in, how does your breathing change, and what do you think of or not think of. (And as irony would have it, as soon as I started paying attention to this, I could no longer sleep.) The writer said it was important for when labor started because many women find comfort in this position and it helps them relax through even the worst contractions.

This got me thinking, what kinds of things do I do to make me feel better when I am feeling awful? Well as a person with a disease, I have chosen my disordered habits to numb out nervousness, pain, anxiety, fear, doubt, missing people, and all negative feelings. In recovery, it is difficult to find things that make you feel better because you have to change your habits and make new ones.

So what did I do before I started throwing up? For me a big one was sitting in the corners of my couch. There is something cozy about a corner. I've always liked corners. Either sitting in them or just looking up at the corners on the ceiling. I like how the lines converge into one place. Maybe it's because I can see the whole room from that spot. It gives me a perspective of the room as a whole. But now, when I try to cozy myself down into the couch, it doesn't feel the same. For starters, it's corners are shallow and I don't feel hugged just right. Our living room is really beautiful and I love looking around in it, but I get nervous. Why? Because it's different. The room, it is familiar to me now, yes, but when I look around and just allow myself to sit, just be, all of the feelings associated with moving come back to me. So, do I have to redefine these moments or should I just not do it anymore? Or do I try to associate positive feelings with all the anxiety and stress of moving overseas?

There are silly things we do that we don't even realize to find comfort. I've started to try to pay attention to these things to see when I do them and why. I fidget and hop my leg up and down when I am nervous. I do it because my insides feel like they are going to squirm out and bouncing around helps me to ignore that feeling. I also twirl my hair when I am nervous. I do that because that's what I used to do when I was little when I would go to sleep while I was sucking my thumb. (at least I don't do that anymore!). It's really interesting now when I consider this hair twirling phenomenon. If I really pay attention to it, I realize how pleasing it is and calming. I asked myself, what else did I do when I went to sleep as a child? I slept with my teddy bear. Guess what? L.A. Bear is back in business. Hey, don't judge, I gotta do what I gotta do to get through this. ;)

Bingeing and purging were also a way to feel better. I know that it has been to keep anxiety down and to make myself numb, even if it was just for a moment. Thank goodness that it stopped working, to some extent. The point in me noticing the small things right now is to become aware of what actually has a calming affect on me, but not an adverse reaction. There are things that I can do to feel better, but I have to be careful of what I choose.

I can choose to go for a run, but I have to make sure I do it within a healthy time frame. I can have a glass of wine or two, but also I have to recognize it's temporary and I can't do that every day. I can call and talk to a good friend, but I have to acknowledge that it has the potential to miss them more and make me sad.

As I look at this, it seems that the bigger the physical action, the higher the risk of an adverse reaction. But with something simple, like twirling my hair, I can relax in some ways with little or no adverse reaction.

In the next few days, I am hoping to find more small things that I do without noticing that have the potential to be used as calming devices. What do you do to calm yourself or make yourself "restful?"