Fielding Questions

In yesterday's post I asked for questions. Here are a few I have gotten and my answers to them.

"How in the world do you hide this from people, especially with 3 kids? I haven't been able to take 30 seconds to pee without someone either sitting in my lap or screaming outside the door in years."

Bulimia is a very devious disease. It makes you act in ways you never thought you would. I have mastered the art of throwing up with virtually no sound. I have used plastic bags in the shed or even in the kitchen trash with my husband just in the other room, I have used the woods behind our house, thrown up while on walks, and I have even thrown up a little at a time behind my husband and children while we were on a walk. Yes, I did that. They didn't even know. I am ashamed that I did that. I am ashamed of many things I have done. The kids are oblivious to most things outside of themselves at this age and they are also older than yours (but, boy have I been there!!). They have also always been excellent at entertaining themselves. At the beginning of the disease, it didn't take as much of my time and I would only do it when no one was home. But as time progressed, it didn't matter if the kids were home. They were playing or running around outside. They probably know something, but I'm not sure what.

"Don't you feel like crap (physically) all the time? I mean, with the no eating and the no nourishment. I'm pretty sure I would have died long ago."

YES! It even got so bad that I was actually crying while I was eating and throwing up, in pain and hating myself through the entire process. I was shaky, my blood sugar was a mess, my head always hurt, my eyes were always aching, my throat would bleed, sometimes throw up would come out of my nose, my stomach would have cramps, and I was exhausted. I even ended up with a bleeding ulcer in my stomach. Lovely. The anxiety that either comes from it or stems from elsewhere adds to the overall hell.

"My question is if there's one comment or thing people said that made things worse. Like, did people telling you that you were beautiful actually make things worse?"

Wow, this is a great question. You know, sometimes it has the potential to make things worse. It depends on who it is coming from. If I know the person really well I know whether they would say things like that to everyone if they were feeling bad. It doesn't mean I think they are awful, or that they don't mean well. I just think that compliments are received better when you have a certain feeling about the source. Hard to explain, but can you feel me?
When it comes to a compliment, I, or my eating disorder, thinks it can tell when people are lying or bending the truth. If a compliment should come my way, I appreciate it and believe it more when it's specific. For instance today, I was in with my massage therapist. She is a righteously honest person and truly says it like it is, and loudly. She was rubbing my head and face and she told me that my skin looked beautiful, that it was glowing and healthy. She said that she could see the difference. As much as my eating disorder tries to convince me to take that as something else, I will not let the ed take that one from me. That girl is just too real! Does that make any sense???
There are definitely things I have heard from important (and some unimportant) people in the past that have stuck with me. *You just don't do it for me. *Jeans are getting a little tight there, girl. *Watch out for the freshman 15. *Every woman gains about 15 pounds when she gets married. *If you don't want to get fat, just don't eat. (yes, someone told me that.)The list goes on, but you get the point.
You asked about your neice and what you should or should not say. I would compliment for sure, but not on size or just beauty, although it is important that she hears she is perfect and beautiful. I truly believe that women need to be built up from the inside out. So compliment her on her inner gifts and beauty. I think it's really tough for parents and family to know how to do it "right." Is there really a right way? No. And we all make mistakes. Like with my little girl for instance. She has so much self confidence and she is so in love with her reflection that she practically lives in front of the mirror admiring herself. If you can't find her, it's because she's found a window she can dance in front of. She's even used the blank television screen. She knows she's perfect. Is that good? ha ha. I think so, but it's going to get her into some trouble! But, in all honesty, I hope we can keep at least half of her confidence up because that would be enough for anyone!

Thank you so much for your questions. I am open for more if you have them. :)